Things are a bit rough for me right now. I'm in between everything. In between wanting to work and wanting to be at home, wanting G to start school and not wanting to be away from her for even the smallest amount of time, wanting to lose weight and actually do it this time and wanting to just accept myself as is, wanting to be content in the disconnect that I feel with so many others, just wanting lots for myself and my little family.
Mostly I find myself wanting answers. Where will we be a year from now? Will we still be questioning ourselves and our decisions? Will we still be seeing doctor after doctor without getting much in the way of answers. I've found myself being jealous of other people's children; you know the ones who talk so well, the ones who explain to me what the people are doing in the big buildings downtown, the ones that can sit still to watch a movie, the ones that are talking clearly and understanding things so very clearly. I've been feeling like this child of mine is getting these weird looks from little ones and big ones alike. They look at her like she's weird because she still babbles like a baby, they don't understand why a toddler is still signing...I'm a little heartsick and not very happy.
I'm not happy.
I've spent a huge part of Gavin's 8 years of life feeling jealous of other people's children. I try very hard not to feel sorry for Gavin because I don't want him to feel sorry for himself. Gavin is different than kids his age and unfortunately I think I think he will be for many years to come... I guess the most important thing is for him to love himself for who he is and hope that others will accept him just the same. If you ever wanna chat - you know where to find me :)
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